How to Feel your Feelings: A Coaching Framework for Leaders
“Oh no, Leah’s going to make me talk about my feelings…”
^ an actual statement from one of my clients! Ha! I love it! She said this while laughing at the end of our coaching session because yes, we did dive into her emotions (anger, frustration, sadness), & she was on the other side - feeling “lighter & like a weight had been lifted!” Through the coaching session she became unstuck & crystal clear on what her next steps were to make progress in her life + leadership.
Yes, when you hire me as your Coach, I make you dive into your feelings - the good, the bad, & the super complex. It’s so important for us as leaders (& humans) to dive in & explore our emotions, especially the complex & “negative” ones.
So often we try to bypass them, pretend they’re not there, or quick just shift our mindset to be more positive. Why do we do this? Everyone is different, but some reasons are:
We don’t want to be seen/known as a negative person.
We don’t like the way those emotions feel.
We don’t know how long it will take to process those emotions, & we got things to do!
Here’s the thing: negative emotions are actually important for us to feel – they provide feedback on what isn’t working in our lives, signal what’s important to us, indicate when our values, beliefs, or boundaries are being tested, keep us safe, & so much more. In fact, it is part of the human experience to feel good 50% of the time, & to feel not-so-good 50% of the time.
If you don’t process your emotions, they’re not going to just magically go away. They are just being shoved deep down & unprocessed emotions will eventually come out (maybe not for years – but they will come out).
But saying we will “feel our feelings” is easier said than done, right? Well, let’s make it easier. Here's a framework to help you feel your feels:
Step #1: Name the Emotion
What is it that you’re actually feeling? Naming it gives you power, & reduces the power & charge the emotion has over you. You got to “name it to tame it.” Brene Brown’s book, Atlas of the Heart, is a great resource for naming our emotions.
Step #2: Locate & Describe the Emotion
Where do you feel it in your body? Name the location. Say out loud, or write down, where you feel it in your body & what it feels like. Like a car sitting on your chest? Like a Tasmanian devil in your gut? Like a hot air balloon in your head? I highly recommend using a metaphor to describe it. Metaphors help us make more sense of the deep, complex emotions we feel.
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SIGN UPStep #3: Observe the Emotion
Visualize yourself separate from the emotion. Instead of sitting “with it” or “in it”, sit next to it. Look at it. Observe it. Witness it. What do you notice? What’s the impact it has on you mentally & physically? How does YOUR unique body & mind react to this emotion? Do not judge. Do not try to change. Just notice. Talk about it out loud or journal it. Some people like to “time-box” this part & set a timer for 5-10 minutes to sit next to & observe the emotion.
Step #4: Identify the Thoughts that are Creating the Emotion
Now that you’ve named the emotion, you can use The Thought Model to understand what thoughts you’re having that are creating these emotions for you. Then you get to choose – are these the thoughts you want? Are they serving you? Even if they are making you feel a negative emotion, you might still want to have them (i.e. it is totally okay to feel grief, & the thought is “I miss this person”, & that is a valid thought & feeling you want to experience – remember: we are humans & NOT supposed to feel AMAZING all of the time!).
It can be really difficult to explore & process "negative” or complex emotions on our own - that’s why working with a coach can be so helpful! As a coach, it’s my job to create a safe, judgement-free space for you to explore your emotions. Sometimes I say “let’s just sit in this crap pile for a minute”, & we sit together, name the emotions, validate them, explore them, & ultimately process them. This helps you get unstuck, gain clarity, & take positive action to achieve the results that you want in your life.
As a leader, it’s important that you are also able to create a safe, judgement-free space for your teammates to explore their emotions. Use this framework! Help them name their emotions, describe them, & get unstuck.
Even with this framework, it can be really, really hard to feel our feelings. So be gentle & patient with yourself. Even if you have “bad” feelings, you are still a GOOD PERSON. You will not feel good all of the time, & that is okay! It’s normal! It’s part of the human experience! Don’t try & bypass your
feelings – they are valid & important. YOU are valid & important. Feel the feels, my friend, & if you need any help at all, I’m here for you!
Leader, you are amazing. Keep feeling those feelings & crushing life!
Pssst...I LOVE connecting with & growing my community! Feel free to connect with me on LinkedIn - see you there! 🤗
